It Takes a Village.....

I've always loved the proverb, "It takes a whole village to raise a child", even before I became a mother.  I think it's actually bigger than that, we all need our villages to keep us sane and happy.  This life is too much to try and tackle on our own.

My personal village includes hairstylist, aesthetician, manicurist, massage therapist, accupuncturist, doctor, and best friend.  I reserve the right to add or subtract when it gets particularly busy in my head.  Just the other day, I mentioned that I'd like to get in contact with my post-partum doula to see if she could come over and hold me while I nap.  A job description like "Mothering the mother" doesn't end just because the baby is a year old, does it?  Based on the way BabyBoy throws himself into sleep with reckless abandon when I'm holding him, it seems like a great way to nap.  First we need a giant rocking chair....

I've started having migraines again, something I really do not want to revisit, but they're back.  I'd like to blame it all on methotrexate, but I know insomnia and stress both contribute, as well as a family and personal history of migraines.  A couple weeks ago, I got about 30 minutes of an aural migraine where my vision was blurring out in little c-shaped chunks before the beast got it's claws in my skull.  I put in an SOS call to my doctor, and called my accupuncturist to beg for a spot.  An hour in a quiet, dark room with specific needle therapy, as well as picking up a prescription for Imitrex got it under control, but I've been on the cusp at least two additional times in the past three weeks.

Yesterday was one of those cusp days.  I ended up cancelling out of afternoon meetings and just going home to take a bath.  It was GLORIOUS.  I sat in a hot bathtub, with bubbly, good smelling lush products in the water until my fingers went pruney.  I drained off the cooling water and refilled it with hot two seperate times, and I read a book in a totally silent house. 

I've come to a realization recently, partially of my own accord, partially from reading a blog post from one of my favorites, and partially at the request/nudging of my best friend.  I really need to find a therapist to talk to.  There's too much going on in my head and in my life, and I hear things through my own filter, which spirals into familiar internal conversations that poison me.  It's time for me to face this and to start to heal, and if I can't do it for myself, I need to do it for the people who depend on me.  I need to do it for my son, my husband and my best friend. 

And I don't know whether
I believe in me
But I still believe in my friends

by David Nields & Nerissa Nields
© 1999, Ambivalent Fins and Peter Quince Productions (ASCAP)

It scares me, my past experiences with therapy have been not-so-great.  From the psychiatrist who had me drugged so heavily that I was completely numb (but, man, I really miss the valium some days) to the psychologist that spent so much time trying to get me to dig through my past that I couldn't find a future, it's never really been an enjoyable experience.  I have a referral from a friend, but that thearpist has a policy in her practice to not see clients that have external relationships.  She gave me the number of a couple other therapists in the area, and I also got a referral from another source.  The thing I have to keep in mind is that I GET TO INTERVIEW these people.  I'm the only one who knows what I need, and how I'm comfortable working, so if it's not a good fit, that's ok!  It's also ok for me to set guidelines about frequency and time of day.  It's hard work, and I need to keep the rest of my life in mind while starting this. 

Being outside your comfort zone is where the magic happens, right?