My personal village includes hairstylist, aesthetician, manicurist, massage therapist, accupuncturist, doctor, and best friend. I reserve the right to add or subtract when it gets particularly busy in my head. Just the other day, I mentioned that I'd like to get in contact with my post-partum doula to see if she could come over and hold me while I nap. A job description like "Mothering the mother" doesn't end just because the baby is a year old, does it? Based on the way BabyBoy throws himself into sleep with reckless abandon when I'm holding him, it seems like a great way to nap. First we need a giant rocking chair....
I've started having migraines again, something I really do not want to revisit, but they're back. I'd like to blame it all on methotrexate, but I know insomnia and stress both contribute, as well as a family and personal history of migraines. A couple weeks ago, I got about 30 minutes of an aural migraine where my vision was blurring out in little c-shaped chunks before the beast got it's claws in my skull. I put in an SOS call to my doctor, and called my accupuncturist to beg for a spot. An hour in a quiet, dark room with specific needle therapy, as well as picking up a prescription for Imitrex got it under control, but I've been on the cusp at least two additional times in the past three weeks.
Yesterday was one of those cusp days. I ended up cancelling out of afternoon meetings and just going home to take a bath. It was GLORIOUS. I sat in a hot bathtub, with bubbly, good smelling lush products in the water until my fingers went pruney. I drained off the cooling water and refilled it with hot two seperate times, and I read a book in a totally silent house.
I've come to a realization recently, partially of my own accord, partially from reading a blog post from one of my favorites, and partially at the request/nudging of my best friend. I really need to find a therapist to talk to. There's too much going on in my head and in my life, and I hear things through my own filter, which spirals into familiar internal conversations that poison me. It's time for me to face this and to start to heal, and if I can't do it for myself, I need to do it for the people who depend on me. I need to do it for my son, my husband and my best friend.
I believe in me
But I still believe in my friends
© 1999, Ambivalent Fins and Peter Quince Productions (ASCAP)
It scares me, my past experiences with therapy have been not-so-great. From the psychiatrist who had me drugged so heavily that I was completely numb (but, man, I really miss the valium some days) to the psychologist that spent so much time trying to get me to dig through my past that I couldn't find a future, it's never really been an enjoyable experience. I have a referral from a friend, but that thearpist has a policy in her practice to not see clients that have external relationships. She gave me the number of a couple other therapists in the area, and I also got a referral from another source. The thing I have to keep in mind is that I GET TO INTERVIEW these people. I'm the only one who knows what I need, and how I'm comfortable working, so if it's not a good fit, that's ok! It's also ok for me to set guidelines about frequency and time of day. It's hard work, and I need to keep the rest of my life in mind while starting this.