Worry

I started out writing a completely different blog post over lunch yesterday.  It was a post complaining about the onset of the "Terrible Twos" (which I don't actually believe are a thing, I think each new phase is defined by how you choose to handle it, not some magic number of months on the earth), with a dose of whining about my Hubby thrown in for good measure.  But yesterday life popped up and bit me in the ass, and has left me in a state of worry that overshadows the temper tantrum BabyBoy threw on Sunday afternoon.

For my male readers, I'd like to warn you, I'm going to talk about my lady-bits now.  Feel free to tune out if you so choose.

After BabyBoy was born, we had some decisions to make.  Pregnancy was NOT easy on me, my psoriatic arthritis did not go into remission, I had gestational diabetes, and we beat some odds around genetic makeup and age factors.   I had to wean him from breastfeeding much earlier than I'd planned or hoped in order to go back on biologic medication to control the arthritis, and we added a chemotherapy drug, methotrexate, to the treatment to try and further suppress my immune system to keep my body from destroying itself.   Risk of pregnancy complications and birth defects with this medication meant we were making a conscious decision that said "no more babies."  I would have to be off meds for 18 months before even trying to get pregnant again, which would put me firmly in the over-40 club, and I had no idea how I would be able to keep up and take care of a toddler during the time without medical intervention.

I started with Depo-provera shots at 6 weeks after giving birth, and once we decided we would not be having more kids, I switched to an IUD, good for five years.  I actually never resumed a normal menstrual cycle between breast feeding and hormone based birth control.  This has been a good thing for my anemia.  I've had some spotting, a day here, a day there, but nothing major over the past year.

Until last week.  I started bleeding, rather heavily.  I let it go through the long weekend thinking "this will stop any minute now."  Yesterday morning, I called my GP and explained what was going on.  They asked that I come in that afternoon, better to check it out than not.

We went over the basics.  Had this ever happened before? (no) When was the last time we had sex? (last week)  Was it 'normal' sex or 'vigorous sex'? (it was 'shhh, the baby's sleeping sex.  I guess that's 'normal'), Is there any pain currently? (yes).  My doctor had me gown up, and we proceeded to a pelvic exam.

Pretty much the last thing you want to hear your doctor say while wiggling your uterus around from the inside is "Hmmmmmm.  I think we need to do an ultrasound and some blood work."

We went over the list of possibilities: absolutely nothing wrong, pregnancy, ovarian cyst, endometriosis, cancer.

"Cancer." I said, flatly.

"It's a possibility.  I don't think it's a high probability, but it's a possibility."  I love my doctor for his thoroughness, his honesty and his compassion, but that was not a possibility I wanted to hear.

I went off to the lab for blood work and urinalysis, and scheduled the ultrasound for this afternoon.  Hubby and I were talking over dinner, and he latched onto a different possibility than I did.

"What are you going to do if you're pregnant?" he asked.

"I'm still trying to wrap my head around 'who raises my son if I die of ovarian cancer?', I haven't even begun to think about pregnancy.  Let me have one freak out in my head at a time, please." I answered.

I have a plaque in my kitchen.  It says "Worrying does not empty today of it's trouble, it empties tomorrow of it's strength" - Mary Engelbreit.  It is so true.  Neither of us slept well last night, I spent most of it watching BabyBoy's sleeping face and trying not to think of not being here to see him grow up.  But I can't borrow time against that possibility.  I have to find a way to be present in the moment instead of worrying what the next days will bring.

And while I'm at it, I will add this sentiment.  This is a picture of a cross-stitch sampler I made for a friend last year, when she was dealing with her own diagnosis.

For today, I choose to occupy my own life.  I choose to occupy my own mind.  I will leave tomorrow to it's own devices, it will come soon enough.

SUPER FAST UPDATE 5:08 PM: I have to run get my boy, but did want to say test results came back negative for abnormal cells, infection, STD's and pregnancy.  Ultrasound revealed a rather large fibrod cyst and that my IUD has "gone on a walk-about" and is no longer in the right place.  (sort of a miracle I'm NOT pregnant.....)  Next steps include IUD removal and discussion of cyst treatment (if any) and decisions on the right kind of birth control moving forward.  Hello relief!